My Brother Is Fat and Stupid

I dug up this article from them site Austin and I created ages ago, www.gnarliestshitever.com.

Although is might have had one of the greatest names of all time, it didn't have the greatest developers of all time. Unfortunately we got bored and decided it was too much work. I read it to myself recently and I still thought it was kind of funny, because my brother is just as fat and stupid and beefy-titted to this day.

The Article Read As Such:

As some of you might know I have a little brother named Mike. He just recently eeked his way into highschool with straight D's. Mike is 14, but you wouldn't know it. On top of being a dumbass, he's fat. On the scale, it's rather difficult to differenciate between him and a barge ship full of cannonballs. I decided to write this article today only because I'm simply astounded (really) by his frequency of break to keep-in-one-piece ratio. By that I mean that my brother manages to break everything he gets his porky little hands on. He breaks the unbreakable.

It started when he broke my computer the first 3 times (this isn't funny this is the truth). Presumably from downloading too much gay pornography (I've got my system set to self-destruct whenever a gay porn film is downloaded/watched). However, I managed to fix my system by spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars and plenty hours of work. I passworded my computer and rarely had the problem ever again.

He moved on. The next victim was one of the shelves in my own bedroom. He destroyed the shelf in my entertainment center housing my XBOX. We concluded that from walking all the way up the stairs, that he probably passed out from exhaustion directly onto the system itself, smashing the shelf into pieces. He left the shelf broken and never told anyone about it, naturally.

Next, Mike decided that he'd like to break something a bit more valuable than a shelf. While on my recent vacation to Florida, my family had bought a unique wooden carving of a dragon. This piece cost my family upwards of $90. Mikey smashed this wooden dragon into pieces while I was not home. Again, leaving the pieces of the dragon on the floor. When I came home I stepped on one of the sharp wooden shards. It hurt, but I didn't cry.

This whole process was becoming far too familiar. I decided to test him. I was curious if he was doing these things on purpose, or if he was just, a dumbass. I gave my brother a brand new bright green tennis ball. I told him to keep the ball safe at all times, no matter what the situation. I chose this item because even when I tried, I could not break this ball. After all, how do you "break" a tennis ball? It can't be done...right?

Wrong.

I came back later that afternoon and asked Mike for the tennis ball. You guys know me, always playing tennis. My brother looked as though he were confused, but he did not say anything. When I asked again, he started choking. I punched him in the eye and he forgot that he was choking. I figured that if he kept choking afterwards though, that it's possible that he could die. That was unacceptable however, because in that case, I would probably be late for my tennis match. I karate-chopped him in the throat and he coughed up a rather round and green item. It was almost as if he tried to eat and digest and tennis ball shaped and colored figure. I took the item to my secret underground laboratory and analyzed it for several straight hours. It was indeed my tennis ball.

When I inquired as to why he tried to eat the ball he responded only that he could not figure out how to break it. And by default in the Mikey handbook, if you can't break it, eat it.