Rather than share my personal experiences here at Mobil, whether it be drinking, eating, playing video games; or drinking, eating, and playing video games, I'll do my part to give back to the community for all their kindness and pleasure that they have given me by buying all of their useful and important items. I'll do my best to give you some insight into the minds of the people who take care of your stupid shit, specifically at gas stations.
Note: I no longer have the internet at work since my bout with the FBI. Therefore I have WAY too much time on my hands. This is a long article. You're probably illiterate so don't count on this taking you any less than 7 weeks to finish reading.
Salutations - "How are you". Just kidding, we don't care. We get paid to say that. This is for everyone who decides to tell you just "how" they actually are. See how there's no question mark? That's not a typo, because it's not a question. We don't want to know, stop telling us.
Stories - I cannot stress this enough. We don't care about your terrible stories. We don't care where you got your car, we don't care where you work, we don't care about your kids, and we don't care what kind of toilet paper you wipe your ass with. Everything about you is uninteresting and no one wants to hear it. Shut up and leave.
*note - While writing my "We're Closed, Seriously" section, a woman came in (I've written this entire article while at work, it truly inspires me...) and started telling me about how she likes to color in coloring books. Case closed.
Pump Numbers - This is the big one: know your fucking pump number. When you pull into the parking lot, there's an oversized (though apparently still not big enough) sign with a big number on it. No, it isn't your IQ (though it might as well be), it's your pump number. Look at it, write it down, call a friend and let them know just in case you forget, anything you need to do. Don't come inside and tell me it's the "cream" colored piece of shit
Lotto - Everyone has their stance on lottery tickets. But whether it be Powerball, scratch tickets, or any other shit, it's all wrong. "But Ed, you could win millions!". You know, you could! But you won't. Everyone might have their particular stance, but a gas station worker has only one: STOP IT. Buying and cashing lottery tickets is easily one of the most frustrating and time consuming things you can burden an employee with. It wouldn't be so bad if you could just ring them up, but we're forced to enter a different 4 digit code for each and every type of lottery ticket each and every time. Secondly, if you win: LEAVE. Don't buy forty-seven one dollar lottery tickets, go sit in your car/stand at the counter just to win five dollars, and spend all five dollars on more lottery tickets until you lose all of your money. That's ANNOYING and it's STUPID. Go take your impoverished (where did all the money go!?) family out to dinner you gambling-addicted fuck.
* Dedicated to Brian Rozzero.
Homeless People - Stop picking up pennies off the ground to buy an energy drink. You don't need energy to do nothing. Some of the best things in life are free; like an application. Get a job and stop being so homeless.
"What? 30 cents!?" - That's right. The price rang up 30 cents more than you had anticipated (and I do mean anticipated you predictable whore). Thirty cents. The two-for-thirty-cents-less deal is GONE. Are you really complaining about 30 cents? You know what, here's the 30 cents you cheap jew fuck. Get out of my store and never come back. You should be hanged in public. You sicken me.
Construction Workers - Plain and simple: wash your fucking hands. They're so dirty you look like a Kenyan (not to denote that they're dirty, just black as fuck). They look like you stuck your hands into the oven until they were fully charred into dirty blackity midnight BLACK. Stop giving me ripped up one dollar bills covered in sut and sweat. We get it, you work in construction, you get dirty. That doesn't mean your ugly ass is immune to hygiene standards. How about you construct yourself a sink and wash those filthy prongs. While you're at it, instead of using toilet paper, just use your hands? Then if you could rub your hands all over the money you're handing me so that I can get sick that would be just great.
We're Closed, Seriously - At the end of the work day, our second shift employees "close the day". This means they lock down the store, and fill out a bunch of bullshit paperwork. If you come up to the door and see eleventeen signs on the door that say "closed", how open do you think we are? Is there some kind of no-man's zone in between open and closed that I don't yet know about? Don't knock on the door, we'll ignore you. Don't knock on the window, we'll ignore you. Don't come up the the window and scream "but I only need
"Have A Good One" - Translation: Don't have a good one. Never have any good ones. Take your shit and go.
"The Bathroom is Disgusting" - Yeah, that's probably because I didn't clean it. Welcome to Mobil, bitch.
Don't Be Personal - If you happen to see me playing Age of Empires or Worms Armageddon instead of helping you, just wait until I'm done. I just reached the Imperial Age and I'm building TWELVE PALADINS. I need to upgrade those Paladins, idiot. They aren't going to upgrade themselves. Don't ask me what I'm doing. For all you know, I'm writing an article about how much I hate people who do that, so don't.
"The Machine's Broken" - No it isn't. Translation: I've been working here for six months and I still don't know how to use it. Alternate translation: I really just don't feel like using it. Another alternate translation: I don't like your face so I'm going to make sure you don't get what you want.
* Dedicated to Stephen Trinkwald
Strippers - If you're a stripper, how about inviting me to your strip club for a free lap dance when I'm NOT working? (this occurred)
*Dedicated to Jarrod Blanchette (Blanton)
Put Your Change In My Fucking Hand - I'm literally making new topics as they happen to me here at work. If I'm reaching over and holding my hand out for your money, it means "please scatter your change all over the counter in the most inconvenient way possible". No wait, it means don't do that, you rude fuck. My hand is even closer than the counter was. This is especially enraging when there's a shitload of change involved. This is common courtesy. I do it, you should be doing it. Learn some manners you cum buckets.
"You Forgot To Give Me My Change" - I did? Sorry, I'm frunk as duck.
Wah Wah Bitch Bitch: Why You Shouldn't Bother - It's okay for me to complain ALL THE TIME because it makes me feel better. Why shouldn't you have the same right? Well, I've mathematically proven that nothing you say matters at all to anybody:
1) Consider this: x = the amount your opinion/concern matters (value assigned on a base 0-10 scale, 10 being the most valuable). This is the overall value that we're here to explore.
2) Therefore, y = the importance of your concern in relevance to the importance of dealing with your concern (as opposed to ignoring it, and on the same numeric scale as x).
3) That being said, ideally x = y (or if you're stupid, I care equally as much as the matter is of importance).
4) Now lets take z, and assign it to the amount that I value doing my job within my last 2 weeks here at Mobil (again on a 0-10 scale). Obviously this is a factor in the equation and as such it must be added.
5) So at this point, to find out how important your complaint is, we can sum it up with x = yz.
6) So let's be generous and say you have an extremely important concern in terms of importance (i.e. a gas pump exploded and several people are dead). This gives y a hefty max value of 10.
7) We can start by plugging this into the equation at hand: x = 10 * z.
8) Our next step is to assess the value of z, or how much I value my job. This comes in at a strong zero.
9) Upon adding this information to the equation, we now have nearly completed the mathematificationarianisms, and we now have x = 10 * 0.
Need some more help? I'm sure you do.
10) x = 0
Several people are dead. However there are still 3 Paladins in queue. Your complaints don't matter. Shut up.
"You Have Nazi Symbolization All Over Your Ceiling" - I honestly don't know what's up with that. We actually do. If you're around, stop by and check out the vents. My guess is that Mobil = Nazi Corporation. No, seriously, I'm not joking at all.
"I Would Like A Honey PAALMA Dutchmaster" - Translation: this is my first time trying weed.
Some miscelleaneous facts or guidelines to follow:
- Don't push the panic button to prove to your friend that you're right in an argument over whether it's the panic button (i.e. silent alarm) or not. ...it was.
*Dedicated to Jarrod Blanchette (Blanton)
- Don't use the coffee machines, don't use the bathroom, don't even touch anything. No one has cleaned any of it, you'll probably get Hepatitis C just from breathing in the air.
- Stop being a clumsy fuck and spilling your coffee all over the place. And if you do, just clean it up, you're an adult.
- If you're gay, DON'T come in and tell me that I'm cute (this HAS happened).
- If you're cute, DO come in and tell me that I'm cute (this HAS happened, but she was probably 40 and not cute).
- If you buy some shit, give me exact change, walk away, and don't hear me pop the drawer open, it's because I canceled the sale and took all of your money.
- If you want some condoms, just say it, you bitch.
- If I'm playing music really loud on my laptop, don't talk over it, just wait until the song is over.
- I will not card you unless you have a rattle in your hand.
- I wear a Boston Red Sox hat. Like another team? No one gives a shit.
- If I'm not at the register, I'm probably taking a shit, sleeping, or I was taking a shit and then fell asleep. Go away.
I could literally go on forever. I think you should be spared. If you think I might respect your opinion even a little bit feel free to give me some feedback or possible suggestions for topics, though I'm sure they'll all be pretty terrible. I've still got another full week of 8 hour drunken shifts.
nwfndh8red@gmail.com - for suggestions
nwfndh8redautodelete@gmail.com - for complaints
Here's to bidding this place farewell, *gulp*
