Like the majority of you I've been to an unhealthy amount of parties so far during the summer of '07. Often memories are created (or destroyed). Recently I attended a party, I didn't know the host or most of the people there, but we brought beer for a night of BP so it was all good (in the hood).
After a few hours of games one of the kids that I didn't know fell asleep on a treadmill (he drank oh say about, 2 beers..). Obviously we turned the treadmill on and it crushed him into a corner and fucked up his face. He decided that it would be better (safer) to pass out upstairs in the living room. We found him a few minutes later, passed out. Where can we find some sharpies to write on him? Quite the predicament indeed. Upon opening of the first draw in sight, we netted a brand new box of assorted sharpies. God intended this. We started drawing a large penis on his face until he woke up in a daze. He ran to the bathroom vomiting wildly everywhere as we laughed at the funny looking dilapidated penis on his face.
When he was done throwing up, I returned to my post at the winning end of the beer pong table (made from coolers, shoe boxes, and innovation). The cleanup crew upstairs used paper towels to clean the mess, and then threw them all in the toilet, clogging it. Since I wasn't helping clean I had no idea. I ran upstairs to drain myself, flushing the toilet afterwards. I began to raid his fridge until alarmed by a familiar sound, running water. The toilet had flooded the bathroom and was pouring down the stairs into the basement where we were playing our games. I ran downstairs to notify everyone only to discover that the pipes in the basement had burst and water was pouring down like a monsoon drenching everything.
We scurried around pulling knobs and levers with no regard to what negative effect they might have. In the end, Jarod plunged the toilet and saved the day. The beer was safe and it was time for Denny's.
Sorry, Andrew.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Insane Anti-Weed Commercials
So a little late in response to my anti-alcohol commercial criticism, but still justified I believe, comes part two. This section deals specifically with the inaccuracies of the anti-weed propaganda commercials seen daily on various channels on TV.
A particular commercial comes to mind:
The scene is set in a public park, a boy and (potentially) his girlfriend are sitting on a bench. Sound like fun? You bet. Well Jimmy Obvious decides it's a good time to whip out his weed and smoke a blunt. His boring ass girlfriend refuses to take part in the smoking of the blunt, which is understandable at this point. However a few seconds later the developers throw a curve ball at you in the form of a hideous alien from another planet who decides his cocky ass is going to land his space ship wherever the fuck he wants. The pizza-headed martian lands his space ship in the middle of this park apparently looking for some boontskeet from a completely different species.
The boy, Jimmy, is completely unmoved by the hideous creature. Naturally(?) his first course of action is to offer the strange being a hit off his blunt. The little patsy throws his head away in a total 180 degree display of faggotism. When the girlfriend lays eyes on the completely irrelevant and far-fetched incident, she magically falls in love.
WHAT A SLUT!
The moral of the story being that smoking weed will instantly and indefinitely make your loved ones hate/leave you is a completely biased and unsupported assumption made by a staff of poorly educated propaganda artists with absolutely no street credibility whatsoever. If any of you are like me, if I was stoned and a little alien landed in a shoddy little spacecraft I would probably beat his ass and steal it or be completely paralyzed in shock by the event itself. The last thing I'd be concerned about is my whore girlfriend getting probed and raped by aliens from some distant planet.
Remember kids, if you smoke weed, you get to see aliens n' shit! WWEeeeeeeEEeEeEEeeee
This is fucking stupid.
A particular commercial comes to mind:
The scene is set in a public park, a boy and (potentially) his girlfriend are sitting on a bench. Sound like fun? You bet. Well Jimmy Obvious decides it's a good time to whip out his weed and smoke a blunt. His boring ass girlfriend refuses to take part in the smoking of the blunt, which is understandable at this point. However a few seconds later the developers throw a curve ball at you in the form of a hideous alien from another planet who decides his cocky ass is going to land his space ship wherever the fuck he wants. The pizza-headed martian lands his space ship in the middle of this park apparently looking for some boontskeet from a completely different species.
The boy, Jimmy, is completely unmoved by the hideous creature. Naturally(?) his first course of action is to offer the strange being a hit off his blunt. The little patsy throws his head away in a total 180 degree display of faggotism. When the girlfriend lays eyes on the completely irrelevant and far-fetched incident, she magically falls in love.
WHAT A SLUT!
The moral of the story being that smoking weed will instantly and indefinitely make your loved ones hate/leave you is a completely biased and unsupported assumption made by a staff of poorly educated propaganda artists with absolutely no street credibility whatsoever. If any of you are like me, if I was stoned and a little alien landed in a shoddy little spacecraft I would probably beat his ass and steal it or be completely paralyzed in shock by the event itself. The last thing I'd be concerned about is my whore girlfriend getting probed and raped by aliens from some distant planet.
Remember kids, if you smoke weed, you get to see aliens n' shit! WWEeeeeeeEEeEeEEeeee
This is fucking stupid.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Insane Anti-Alcohol Ads
From gravity-altering alcoholic beverages to mind-imploding use of natural herbs, it's been proven that you will instantly die from any amount of use of either of these evil substances.
I'm willing to admit that alcohol is proven to be unhealthy, and everyone who knows their ass from their own head knows it too. But the anti-alcoholism ads, especially in our schools, have stepped so far over the edge of reality that I've grown more trust in vintage cartoon characters (not the modern ones, they're forced by the media to be superficial and politically correct, unlike the old-fashioned racist and honest cartoon characters). To be brief, I'll use the specific ad that was shown to the senior class in 2007. At first it was a pro-war recruiting tool used to try and fool teenagers into believing that the army is what it isn't. It's all guns and helicopters and fighter jets and dominance over foreign countries. After a few good solid minutes of propaganda it suddenly took a turn for the worst in the form of an anti-alcohol (anti-fun) ad.
In this ad, a teenager is seen handing a beer to one of his cohorts. I made the assumption that any second now a message would be made along the lines of "don't drink", or, "don't give in to peer pressure". Well, a message was made alright. The very moment the receiving student made contact with the beer, the students warped into outer space where there is no gravity. The student began spinning in slow motion, wildly out of control! However, the other student who had been handing the student the beer was completely unaffected.
The message is clear: Do not drink alcohol, if you are a pussy.
Coming soon: Insane Anti-Weed Ads
I'm willing to admit that alcohol is proven to be unhealthy, and everyone who knows their ass from their own head knows it too. But the anti-alcoholism ads, especially in our schools, have stepped so far over the edge of reality that I've grown more trust in vintage cartoon characters (not the modern ones, they're forced by the media to be superficial and politically correct, unlike the old-fashioned racist and honest cartoon characters). To be brief, I'll use the specific ad that was shown to the senior class in 2007. At first it was a pro-war recruiting tool used to try and fool teenagers into believing that the army is what it isn't. It's all guns and helicopters and fighter jets and dominance over foreign countries. After a few good solid minutes of propaganda it suddenly took a turn for the worst in the form of an anti-alcohol (anti-fun) ad.
In this ad, a teenager is seen handing a beer to one of his cohorts. I made the assumption that any second now a message would be made along the lines of "don't drink", or, "don't give in to peer pressure". Well, a message was made alright. The very moment the receiving student made contact with the beer, the students warped into outer space where there is no gravity. The student began spinning in slow motion, wildly out of control! However, the other student who had been handing the student the beer was completely unaffected.
The message is clear: Do not drink alcohol, if you are a pussy.
Coming soon: Insane Anti-Weed Ads
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Koeniger, the Racist!
So on Wednesday, March 8th I had some work to make up in Physics (all of 3rd quarter).
After she helped me through some problems she wrote up a new one. Towards the top of the chalk board are some useful equations, numbered (god knows the fuck why). Koeniger then asked me which equation to use to solve the problem at hand. I looked up and decided number four was the way to go. I tell Koeniger, "I choose numba' fo'". My intent being to explain to her, in a stylish manner, that I had picked number four.
After a few seconds of silence, she leans over her desk and whilst speaking softly (because she knew it was wrong) asks: "Why are you talking like a black person?".
Need I say more?
Yes, I do.
Towards the beginning of the year we were doing a lab during her class which involved clamps of different sizes. There was a unique clamp among the bunch, bigger and blacker than the rest in girth and color respectively. When Koeniger referred to the clamp as "Big Blacky", the class chuckled. Get it? Black people. Anyway, in response to the laughter, she exclaims "What? It's not like I called him big NIGGER." We went silent in disbelief and then erupted into laughter all over again. Oohh black folks...
Well at least her racism and cultural ignorance is limited to that of African Americans. That we can all agree on.
Except for this time when Bernardo (no longer in our Physics class, weird) was trying his very best to learn. He asked Koeniger a question about the material we were covering. Koeniger, being old and irritable responds "I can't even understand what you're saying! Speak up! Speak English! No comprendo!" Bernardo, understanding her belligerent abuse of the Spanish language says, "I don't speak Spanish, I speak Portuguese".
Koeniger responds angrily: "WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!?"
Is Koeniger a racist? Yes.
Is Koeniger a bad teacher? I'll say.
Is Koeniger culturally (and possibly generally) ignorant? Indeed.
Do you have a relevant Koeniger story? If so, email it to nwfndh8red@gmail.com for me to post up.
After she helped me through some problems she wrote up a new one. Towards the top of the chalk board are some useful equations, numbered (god knows the fuck why). Koeniger then asked me which equation to use to solve the problem at hand. I looked up and decided number four was the way to go. I tell Koeniger, "I choose numba' fo'". My intent being to explain to her, in a stylish manner, that I had picked number four.
After a few seconds of silence, she leans over her desk and whilst speaking softly (because she knew it was wrong) asks: "Why are you talking like a black person?".
Need I say more?
Yes, I do.
Towards the beginning of the year we were doing a lab during her class which involved clamps of different sizes. There was a unique clamp among the bunch, bigger and blacker than the rest in girth and color respectively. When Koeniger referred to the clamp as "Big Blacky", the class chuckled. Get it? Black people. Anyway, in response to the laughter, she exclaims "What? It's not like I called him big NIGGER." We went silent in disbelief and then erupted into laughter all over again. Oohh black folks...
Well at least her racism and cultural ignorance is limited to that of African Americans. That we can all agree on.
Except for this time when Bernardo (no longer in our Physics class, weird) was trying his very best to learn. He asked Koeniger a question about the material we were covering. Koeniger, being old and irritable responds "I can't even understand what you're saying! Speak up! Speak English! No comprendo!" Bernardo, understanding her belligerent abuse of the Spanish language says, "I don't speak Spanish, I speak Portuguese".
Koeniger responds angrily: "WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!?"
Is Koeniger a racist? Yes.
Is Koeniger a bad teacher? I'll say.
Is Koeniger culturally (and possibly generally) ignorant? Indeed.
Do you have a relevant Koeniger story? If so, email it to nwfndh8red@gmail.com for me to post up.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Dunkin' Dipshits
I think by now the majority of people who know anything about me have come to terms with my insatiable appetite for Dunkin' Donuts. I normally order some form of a breakfast sandwich because it helps dull the intense pain and boredom of going to school. But sometimes the food can cost more than just your hard-earned (or stolen, whichever) money. The following situation really happened and is 100% true to life.
I pulled up to Dunkin' after ordering my sandwich/sammich to pay and obtain it. The woman promptly handed me two coffees. Having compassion for all of gods creatures, even the lesser ones, I politely explained that there had been a terrible mixup, and that I ordered a sandwich. The woman nodded at me, gesturing primitively that she understood the situation. She took the coffees back and proceeded to hand me a bagel (that really fucking awful kind that pigeons and homeless people and homeless pigeons wouldn't even eat, poppyseed...). "You're almost there", I thought, "you dumb bitch". She became embarrassed in lieu of her errors and grew red in the face. She, again, took back the food and fumbled around like a crippled person who comically loses one of their crutches in some serious but amusing accident that we find funny only because it's not happening to us.
Round three. The woman finally comes to the window after what felt like hours of intense sandpaper friction on my balls and poison-tipped darts repeatedly thrown in my eyes. She has the bag, she has the sandwich, she has done it! I put the bag in the passenger seat, my intent being to relax and eat it at home. When I turned back to spit in her face for being so insolent and useless, she tried to give me the fucking coffees. Can you believe it? She fucked up again. If you knew your child was growing up with a severe mental disability why wouldn't you just throw them away? I don't understand it. Why do you think man invented dumpsters? Because in the dark and primal times preceding the dumpster you could only fit maybe 3 dead baby corpses in there, and it was prone to the possibility of tipping over when you threw the living ones in.
Anyway, she was far too large to fit in the cleverly designed garbage opening for fat lazy Americans who if you'll notice ALWAYS throw all their garbage into the first of two garbage bins, resulting in one can overflowing with garbage, and the other near empty. So I pulled a Charlie Murphy and slammed her thick head on the counter until her eyes fell out. She was obviously hopeless, I mean, she couldn't even work the kitchen right. I hope you burn in the fiery evil depths of hell, whore.
I pulled up to Dunkin' after ordering my sandwich/sammich to pay and obtain it. The woman promptly handed me two coffees. Having compassion for all of gods creatures, even the lesser ones, I politely explained that there had been a terrible mixup, and that I ordered a sandwich. The woman nodded at me, gesturing primitively that she understood the situation. She took the coffees back and proceeded to hand me a bagel (that really fucking awful kind that pigeons and homeless people and homeless pigeons wouldn't even eat, poppyseed...). "You're almost there", I thought, "you dumb bitch". She became embarrassed in lieu of her errors and grew red in the face. She, again, took back the food and fumbled around like a crippled person who comically loses one of their crutches in some serious but amusing accident that we find funny only because it's not happening to us.
Round three. The woman finally comes to the window after what felt like hours of intense sandpaper friction on my balls and poison-tipped darts repeatedly thrown in my eyes. She has the bag, she has the sandwich, she has done it! I put the bag in the passenger seat, my intent being to relax and eat it at home. When I turned back to spit in her face for being so insolent and useless, she tried to give me the fucking coffees. Can you believe it? She fucked up again. If you knew your child was growing up with a severe mental disability why wouldn't you just throw them away? I don't understand it. Why do you think man invented dumpsters? Because in the dark and primal times preceding the dumpster you could only fit maybe 3 dead baby corpses in there, and it was prone to the possibility of tipping over when you threw the living ones in.
Anyway, she was far too large to fit in the cleverly designed garbage opening for fat lazy Americans who if you'll notice ALWAYS throw all their garbage into the first of two garbage bins, resulting in one can overflowing with garbage, and the other near empty. So I pulled a Charlie Murphy and slammed her thick head on the counter until her eyes fell out. She was obviously hopeless, I mean, she couldn't even work the kitchen right. I hope you burn in the fiery evil depths of hell, whore.
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