I came home from school today and my brother was watching "Flavor Love", a new hit TV feat. Flava Flave. It wasn't 10 seconds into the show before his big black gap-toothed ass started mumbling incoherently using words like "brung" and "youz". Now my momma always taught me to be educated and not-black so I guess I'm less tolerant to blatant ignorance than most others. When I first saw the obnoxious clock that he totes around I figured that it must have been some sort of stylish flak vest presumably to prevent all the people in the world who want him dead. However I am informed that's not the case.
Anyway this brings me to my point that I have created the final solution to all of Earths problems. I would suggest some sort of colossal incineration machine, a.k.a., "The Justice Machine". Have a problem? Throw that shit into the incinerator. The machine can fit all sorts of pesky things, like Mexican people. Is your computer giving you troubles? Don't throw it on the ground like a chump, that's boring. Neighbors dog shit on your lawn again? Crack him in the face with a bat and throw his fecal disease spreading ass into the incinerator. Cut off on the highway? Call our towing service and we'll tow the car AND his bitch ass right off our patented problem solving ramp into a firey abyss free of charge! Black people ruining the music industry again? Take an all expenses paid-for trip to MTV Studios and throw their talent-less asses in the back of a pickup truck (after you've struck them in the face with a bat obviously). For those really pesky cultures/ethnic groups don't hesitate to rent a dumptruck for the day ($19.95/hr).
The incinerator is approximately 30 stories tall and can reach temperatures of over 50 trillion degrees. There is a complimentary movie drop-in slot for all those bad movies that you just have lying around the house (this includes the entire Ernest series). In fact for every Ernest movie that you DON'T drop off in the Justice Machine, we'll send three JA's (Justice Agents) to your house to kill you that number of times. Justice Agents are mean and wear badass sunglasses (even at night). They also sport inflatable John Deere tractors to haul your dead ass away to the incinerator after they've worked you over. Also, if you kill a Justice Agent (impossible), they will come back as zombies with yet even cooler sunglasses.
Overall I don't see how this could not work. I suppose if we didn't have the technology to create a 30 story structure that heats up to 50 trillion degrees we could just litter the Middle East with Napalm...permanently. It's win-win since naturally every single person who lives in the Middle East is, no question, a terrorist.
I do have one special request. I would organize an official business meeting with Flava Flave in which we would sit in some professional business chairs and drink professional business coffee and discuss some...business. Except the catch is that his professional business chair is actually a cannon aimed into the incinerator and the business is makin' him real dead. Before I pressed the (presumably huge and red) button to fire the cannon I would turn to his watch/necklace/flak vest, whatever you want to call it and ask, "what time is it?". Yet before he has a chance to answer I say "time for you to get horribly burned to death" and the cannon fires.
My grades might be average but as you can tell I've got it all figured out.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
The Past Few Weekends
So last weekend (?) I picked up two nice big bottles of SOCO to enjoy during that (very same) weekend. Me Hill and Justin downed one in approx 5 or 6 seconds and that was that. We left the shit in some bushes next to Candyland at like 10pm (wtf) and drove afterwards. The excess bottle I popped in my trunk (which Albert discovered has a release hidden in the glove compartment just the other day).
So I was all drunk n' not paying attention and I forgot all about it. My dad took out my car instead of his own for whatever reason to go pick up some beers at the store. When he popped the trunk to put his 30-racks in he saw my pretty bottle just sitting there.
So I come home from doing something and my dad has a mean old look up on his face and tells me to follow him. He leads me on an awkward journey through the backyard and to my trunk, where I pretended to have no idea what he was about to dramatically reveal. Dang, I thought. This probably isn't good. So I just told him I was delivering it for someone and he let me off the hook and also gave me money to go out to eat. I like food.
My dad gave me money and told me if he ever caught me drinking he would throw me out of the house and disown me. So anyways we're drinking later that night and Geary has "grape-juicyfruit" weed delivered right to Jakes house. Being "grape-juicyfruit weed" I couldn't NOT smoke it and so I did. Even Ben did. Azeredo didn't though, because everybody hates him and his overuse of the word nigga (also jigga) entitled him to a one-way ticket to soberdom. The shit was the farthest fuckin' thing from grape or juciyfruit but it was pretty nuts and we were so gone that it didn't make a difference. Geary started shaking violently with a huge smile and started punching himself in the face. The fire eventually went out which was a signal from the gods to go home we like to believe. Everyone drove home trashed and high and no one friend tried to stop the other which is kind of sad and funny.
On a less careless note Justin and I brought Taylar and Ally to the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie over the weekend because it seemed fit. There is nothign more romantic than horrible torture and death. However I forgot that they are a few months younger than we are and aren't 17 yet and so they couldn't get in. All Taylar did was bitch at Justin and he drowned her out by cranking up the volume of the death metal album we had playing. That amused me because he's stone cold. Not as stone cold as Hillary though, she's a menace.
Surpringly I did more than get drunk over the pass few weekends. In between being trashed I got my ass handed to me on a platter in Mario Party by Hill. She beat Justin, Albert and I several times. Being beat by a girl at a video game is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. We made up for it by ransacking her house and stealing all her jew bagels. Just kidding, I want to kill myself.
So I was all drunk n' not paying attention and I forgot all about it. My dad took out my car instead of his own for whatever reason to go pick up some beers at the store. When he popped the trunk to put his 30-racks in he saw my pretty bottle just sitting there.
So I come home from doing something and my dad has a mean old look up on his face and tells me to follow him. He leads me on an awkward journey through the backyard and to my trunk, where I pretended to have no idea what he was about to dramatically reveal. Dang, I thought. This probably isn't good. So I just told him I was delivering it for someone and he let me off the hook and also gave me money to go out to eat. I like food.
My dad gave me money and told me if he ever caught me drinking he would throw me out of the house and disown me. So anyways we're drinking later that night and Geary has "grape-juicyfruit" weed delivered right to Jakes house. Being "grape-juicyfruit weed" I couldn't NOT smoke it and so I did. Even Ben did. Azeredo didn't though, because everybody hates him and his overuse of the word nigga (also jigga) entitled him to a one-way ticket to soberdom. The shit was the farthest fuckin' thing from grape or juciyfruit but it was pretty nuts and we were so gone that it didn't make a difference. Geary started shaking violently with a huge smile and started punching himself in the face. The fire eventually went out which was a signal from the gods to go home we like to believe. Everyone drove home trashed and high and no one friend tried to stop the other which is kind of sad and funny.
On a less careless note Justin and I brought Taylar and Ally to the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie over the weekend because it seemed fit. There is nothign more romantic than horrible torture and death. However I forgot that they are a few months younger than we are and aren't 17 yet and so they couldn't get in. All Taylar did was bitch at Justin and he drowned her out by cranking up the volume of the death metal album we had playing. That amused me because he's stone cold. Not as stone cold as Hillary though, she's a menace.
Surpringly I did more than get drunk over the pass few weekends. In between being trashed I got my ass handed to me on a platter in Mario Party by Hill. She beat Justin, Albert and I several times. Being beat by a girl at a video game is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. We made up for it by ransacking her house and stealing all her jew bagels. Just kidding, I want to kill myself.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
King Richid's Faire
...was probably about the strangest shit I've ever seen in my life. Unfortunately we missed the Cleavage Contest. They had really overpriced everything and half the costumes had nothing to do with the Renaissance whatsoever. They had pirates and dumb shit like this:
Yeah that's me. 10 dollars to anyone who can come up with some poorly thrown together excuse for why that hideous monster of penis-lookalike-fashion was at a Renaissance Faire. But thats not all. The following getup was also from a different (and exaggerated) timeframe/planet. Justin made history doing his first thing that people didn't find stupid by posing for this picture here:
Yeah I know I thought we were at a GWAR concert too at first. They tried to make it a family event by adding rides and silly attractions. There was this one thing that was basically a wooden swan swing, okay sounds nice. However they decided to place an insane axe-wielding berserker viking aboard the ship to make the experience feel "real". 'Cause back then (in the Viking ages all of a sudden) all the burly maniacal limb-chopping Vikings used to like to take a break for tea, crumpets, and a nice childs' swan ride. The kids were all horrified and had no fun at all, but it was a learning experience so it was entirely acceptable.
Speaking of family, we saw Shawn (Lanky) and his mom at the faire too, wasn't that nice.
While watching the Jousting contest some fat lady was getting way out of hand by yelling and screaming as if it were real and people were actually dying. There were 4 teams, and each had its own "valiant knight". Our knight was the worst. He lost every contest as fast as he possibly could and got instantly killed during every battle/joust. The woman really started to get out of hand and actually had the nerve to look back in our direction. I yelled "WITCH!". "What evidence do you have to support this theory, Sir Edward" said the King (Richit). I pointed to Justin and responded "she turned this young boy into a wench!". Clearly this was enough evidence and she was hanged (for real). This made everyone including the bloodthirsty knights very happy and everyone met on the field for generic rejoicing.
The scariest (and final) portion of this whole dumb story was the guy who ran the freak show. He was basically paid to walk around ALL day with a huge creepy molestors smile on his face. At one point he was walking around with a comically large "butterfly net", which I assume is the oversized net he uses to corral up little kids to molest. While walking by he caught me and Justin in the net and told us that he wouldn't let us out if we didn't flap our wings. Luckily Hillary was there to take a picture (that she hasn't sent to me yet, will update when possible). So yeah that was most definitely the scariest part of the entire Faire.
Also someone died on a PortaPotty.
The Faire is during the weekends and time is running out, it's $25 to get in and I recommend you do because it was a lot of fun. Just bring your wallets! (and maybe some pepper spray, too).
Yeah that's me. 10 dollars to anyone who can come up with some poorly thrown together excuse for why that hideous monster of penis-lookalike-fashion was at a Renaissance Faire. But thats not all. The following getup was also from a different (and exaggerated) timeframe/planet. Justin made history doing his first thing that people didn't find stupid by posing for this picture here:
Yeah I know I thought we were at a GWAR concert too at first. They tried to make it a family event by adding rides and silly attractions. There was this one thing that was basically a wooden swan swing, okay sounds nice. However they decided to place an insane axe-wielding berserker viking aboard the ship to make the experience feel "real". 'Cause back then (in the Viking ages all of a sudden) all the burly maniacal limb-chopping Vikings used to like to take a break for tea, crumpets, and a nice childs' swan ride. The kids were all horrified and had no fun at all, but it was a learning experience so it was entirely acceptable.
Speaking of family, we saw Shawn (Lanky) and his mom at the faire too, wasn't that nice.
While watching the Jousting contest some fat lady was getting way out of hand by yelling and screaming as if it were real and people were actually dying. There were 4 teams, and each had its own "valiant knight". Our knight was the worst. He lost every contest as fast as he possibly could and got instantly killed during every battle/joust. The woman really started to get out of hand and actually had the nerve to look back in our direction. I yelled "WITCH!". "What evidence do you have to support this theory, Sir Edward" said the King (Richit). I pointed to Justin and responded "she turned this young boy into a wench!". Clearly this was enough evidence and she was hanged (for real). This made everyone including the bloodthirsty knights very happy and everyone met on the field for generic rejoicing.
The scariest (and final) portion of this whole dumb story was the guy who ran the freak show. He was basically paid to walk around ALL day with a huge creepy molestors smile on his face. At one point he was walking around with a comically large "butterfly net", which I assume is the oversized net he uses to corral up little kids to molest. While walking by he caught me and Justin in the net and told us that he wouldn't let us out if we didn't flap our wings. Luckily Hillary was there to take a picture (that she hasn't sent to me yet, will update when possible). So yeah that was most definitely the scariest part of the entire Faire.
Also someone died on a PortaPotty.
The Faire is during the weekends and time is running out, it's $25 to get in and I recommend you do because it was a lot of fun. Just bring your wallets! (and maybe some pepper spray, too).
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