The Justice Machine

I came home from school today and my brother was watching "Flavor Love", a new hit TV feat. Flava Flave. It wasn't 10 seconds into the show before his big black gap-toothed ass started mumbling incoherently using words like "brung" and "youz". Now my momma always taught me to be educated and not-black so I guess I'm less tolerant to blatant ignorance than most others. When I first saw the obnoxious clock that he totes around I figured that it must have been some sort of stylish flak vest presumably to prevent all the people in the world who want him dead. However I am informed that's not the case.

Anyway this brings me to my point that I have created the final solution to all of Earths problems. I would suggest some sort of colossal incineration machine, a.k.a., "The Justice Machine". Have a problem? Throw that shit into the incinerator. The machine can fit all sorts of pesky things, like Mexican people. Is your computer giving you troubles? Don't throw it on the ground like a chump, that's boring. Neighbors dog shit on your lawn again? Crack him in the face with a bat and throw his fecal disease spreading ass into the incinerator. Cut off on the highway? Call our towing service and we'll tow the car AND his bitch ass right off our patented problem solving ramp into a firey abyss free of charge! Black people ruining the music industry again? Take an all expenses paid-for trip to MTV Studios and throw their talent-less asses in the back of a pickup truck (after you've struck them in the face with a bat obviously). For those really pesky cultures/ethnic groups don't hesitate to rent a dumptruck for the day ($19.95/hr).

The incinerator is approximately 30 stories tall and can reach temperatures of over 50 trillion degrees. There is a complimentary movie drop-in slot for all those bad movies that you just have lying around the house (this includes the entire Ernest series). In fact for every Ernest movie that you DON'T drop off in the Justice Machine, we'll send three JA's (Justice Agents) to your house to kill you that number of times. Justice Agents are mean and wear badass sunglasses (even at night). They also sport inflatable John Deere tractors to haul your dead ass away to the incinerator after they've worked you over. Also, if you kill a Justice Agent (impossible), they will come back as zombies with yet even cooler sunglasses.

Overall I don't see how this could not work. I suppose if we didn't have the technology to create a 30 story structure that heats up to 50 trillion degrees we could just litter the Middle East with Napalm...permanently. It's win-win since naturally every single person who lives in the Middle East is, no question, a terrorist.

I do have one special request. I would organize an official business meeting with Flava Flave in which we would sit in some professional business chairs and drink professional business coffee and discuss some...business. Except the catch is that his professional business chair is actually a cannon aimed into the incinerator and the business is makin' him real dead. Before I pressed the (presumably huge and red) button to fire the cannon I would turn to his watch/necklace/flak vest, whatever you want to call it and ask, "what time is it?". Yet before he has a chance to answer I say "time for you to get horribly burned to death" and the cannon fires.

My grades might be average but as you can tell I've got it all figured out.