The Ninja Turtles were the heroes of my childhood. It wasn't until recently that I realized that the Ninja Turtles were based off of me and my stupid friends.
Raphael, Leonardo, Donatello, and Michaelangelo.
The Ninja Turtles are the shit. Far be it from me to consider my friends and I contributing members of the Renaissance.
If it took you less than a second to understand why I said that, please cancel your internet. Also, drop out of school.
I love the Ninja Turtles, so much. But the best part is that you know them. No, dick, you know them in real life. I have a core group of friends, and I don't have room for any more. Your 768 Facebook friends that you've never met do not count.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set an example for us all, except we don't need to be mutated to fulfill the formula. The TMNT wrecked shit, saved bitches, and shit on bad guys, and they were teenagers.
Shut the fuck up, it doesn't matter if you have an Ooze Container. Your teenage mutant shit friends are already here. So before you capture a dart frog in the Amazon, smash it up, and put it in all your friends' drinks, listen.
You already have a crime-fighting team. If you've got 3 other friends, awesome. If you have a team leader, even better. If you've got no friends, keep reading this anyway.
You don't believe me do you, you dumb asshole? Here's an example. You have to break it down:
Michaelangelo:
You're a reckless dude. More than your friends' safety you care about pizza. Instead of strategizing, you skateboard. But sometimes, you skateboard over Shredder's nutsack. By not trying, you succeed. You ride down the sewer pipe, fuck up, and fall onto a welcoming vagina. You don't do a good job, but you are rewarded for it. You are Michaelalbert Biastro
Leonardo:
You deal with shit that you really don't need to. You've got important shit to do, but your dumbass turtle friends always want to know where you're at and what you're doing. You're busy because you have to work, and all of your friends don't. Your friends just want to get drunk, eat pizza, or both. Most of the time, you're busy trying to fuck April, but shit always gets in the way, if you let it. You're Deonardo Carrero.
Donatello:
You know shit. You just want to kick someones ass, but your friends don't help. You take out your Bo Staff to smack the shit out of someone, and before you can, someone asks how to reformat their TurtlePuter. You bring up the fact that your friends are annoying you while all you're doing something that they didn't want to do. Your friends all complain that you're complaining, and you silently pledge to kill them. You eventually do it and no one really cares. You say "god damnit" and enjoy the finished product. You are Ed Smitsmattatello.
Raphael:
You have a hard shell, but when it comes down to it, you're slightly emo. You talk big, but ultimately you'll turn against your friends, no matter how wrong you are. You're strong, so nobody plays you, except whoever gets first dibs in Turtles Arcade. In that recent Turtles movie, you fight your own kind for attention. Your misadventures do nothing but reinforce the friendship of those not supporting you. You eventually submit and admit that the things that you've done were not the most admirable. That's more than Shredder can say. You're Kypheael.
Splinter:
Splinter, who do you know who seems smarter than YOU? Hard to believe I know. Who's the smart guy who seems to know little, but knows more than you know?
Right, you've got an allstar team, but no leader. Who could it be, who is this mysterious leader of your actions...
It's your parents! No matter how green, turtled-shelled, or mutant you are, your parents are your leader. Think about the turtles. If they were a bunch of human-sized turtles with no direction, they'd probably be masturbating instead of solving crimes. Splinter gave them resolve.
Next time you ask your parents for money, call them Master Splinter, they'll know what you mean.
Shredder:
Shredder evolves. You'll never have a "one-greatest-enemy". It will all depend on which chemical disease is most popular at the time.
But what if we ruled out diseases?
What if Shredder was someone you know? The Turtles knew about Shredder for a good long time. Have you ever known someone who terrified you who just kept coming back? Someone who infiltrated your personal group or your close social society? I can't think, it's too hard to figure ou......oh my god. It's your ex-girlfriend.
Remember when your girlfriend attacked you by saying "this is the end"?
Sound familiar? Shredder... Remember when you stabbed her out of rage and buried her beneath those boxes?....And then her hand triumphantly raised up through the rubble?
April:
You're the girl who decides to deal with the ridiculousness of what's happening. You're fucking Leonardo but you don't want to make it a big thing. You watch the cartoon with your boyfriend and your house burns down. You decide that's enough and go home.
Your apartment burns down.
You decide to keep buying pizzas for your turtle friends because they are likely to do you favors if you're nice to them. Raphael and Michaelangelo are playing football with pizza in your apartment like douchebags, but you laugh at it.
Another woman comes over, Raphaels foots sticks out under the curtain because he's hiding. Michaelangelo is waxing on and off all over the counter so you can't complain. Michaelangelo then throws up all over the counter and says your drawings are bad and you knock him out.
You are Carpril.
We are not so different than the stories that portray us as what we are.
