My Newest Occupation

To be honest I'm quite intoxicated at the moment. Spelling errors will be fixed when I am capable.

So, 2+ years after Mobil On The Run got straight up CANNED by myself, I finally got another mother fucking job. Two years of legitimate effort mind you.

I asked many friends for a lead in what is and was one of the worst job markets in my lifetime. Several tried, one succeeded. Many calls and worthless interviews later I landed a job due to the epic work of Brian D.

Several months beforehand I had a personally unprecedented traumatic event which mega-fucked my brain, causing me to feel deep sickness in any situation relevant to that day and event. For example, it was over four months before my stomach could handle visiting even just one friend of mine without becoming very ill.

Onto the job. I scored a job working in an environmental laboratory. We specialize in the testing and analyzation of soils and water samples. For example, if you wanted to build a playground, you'd send us soil samples to ensure that area was more life supporting than something like, I don't know, Chernobyl.

I can definitely understand that logic. However... Every day we get samples that are clearly marked: "URGENT". MOTHER-FUCKING URGENT!!!1!11!

These samples must be analyzed immediately and results must be sent back the same day. I perform these such tests, and I specialize in pH and moisture values of these such samples. Which leads me to one very real question...

WHO THE FUCK NEEDS THIS TYPE OF DATA WITHIN HOURS OF SUBMITTING IT?!?!

Literally, what situation calls for this type of haste? Our largest client is the Environmental Protection Agency(EPA). Are they planting the worlds largest fucking government garden or some shit?

Think of even the largest scale farm-based agency/company (whoever the fuck that might be). This company is expected to provide a shitload of food for an entire community. Try telling your town that no one can eat jack shit because some assholes are figuring out how much moisture is in the fucking dirt.

WHO GIVES A FUCK

SO maybe it turns out that the moisture in the dirt is satisfactory (something we tell them based on age-old data). Thank god right? NO!

Who gives a fuck about soil moisture! We still have to run pH tests! No, this isn't your god damn outdoor pool, IT'S LIFE

Now our samples aren't from tap water or something relevant that you could make sense of. They're from dirty swamps and shit. Seemingly destroying all credibility these pH tests had.

My point in summary: What is it that you need to know so fucking quickly about a random swamp's pH level could really be that urgent!?

Not to mention our company can be fined up to and over 15 thousand dollars for as little as an illegible reading in a logbook.

Maybe one day I'll become an EPA pool technician, and I'll permanently spike the pH levels to burn the eyes of EPA employees in their own government pool.

Just maybe.