Personal/Regular Background Information
Last Tuesday I overheard a conversation between two co-workers. They were discussing laser eye surgery, something I've wanted to do for MANY years. It was always one of those things I considered in the category of "Damn, that'd be cool if I was rich and shit."
I didn't think much of it until I heard a friend of mine say that there was a short time promotion to get the surgery done for $300 per eye. The normal cost is anywhere from $1500 to $2000 per eye for the top of the line surgery.
I joined the coversation and talked about it with both parties, one of which has had the very same surgery done two years ago at the same place: The Lasik Vision Institute in Burlington, Mass (detailed info will be included at the end of this article).
After delving deeper into the conversation I learned that three seperate co-workers have had this surgery done; and again, at the same place. At that point my concerns that this was a bullshit black-market situation were pretty much taken care of. The place was obviously legit.
Booking Information
I called the Institute two days later, on Thursday. They were very accommodating. It was very easy to get answers to my questions, and even easier to set up a FREE eye-diagnosis appointment.
The free appointment includes somewhere around 6-8 testing sessions including cornea-thickness (get probed in the eye), regular eye exams (the same basic ones that will cost you $100 at your local eye doctor), and several other interactions with inexplicably complex machinery.
Note: If the probe decides that your Cornea is not thick enough, you are not eligible for the surgery (Otherwise the high-powered laser will actually burn through every defense that your eye has; blinding you permanently! :D). You are also ineligible if you have a history of epilepsy, as many of the machines seem like they're fucking designed to cause seizures.
The Testing/Diagnosis Day
On Thursday (February 17th, 2011) I had my testing/diagnosis appointment at 2:00 P.M.
It took me about 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to the lab located in Burlington, MA from Coventry, RI.
I walked into the office, was tended to, and brought to some sort of machine. Before I did or said anything, I was told by a nurse (or some shit) that my bill would be $2,700. I was like woa, you fucking serious breh? Your website clearly says $300 per eye.
It turns out, the $300 per eye "deal" only applies to those with near PERFECT vision. That's when you can envision me going: "Oh THATS how this promotion fucks people over".
Basically, the worse your vision (which is mandated by your glasses/contacts prescrip) the more you need to pay. My vision was close to nearly the worst, costing me a BASE of $1400 PER eye.
That price plus a lifetime of coverage cost me $3,000. That's $120 per month for two years with $0 down and %0 interest for those two years.
The testing process is long and in-depth, taking around 2+ hours. The entire process as a whole is incredibly long and in-depth; I will get into this shortly.
You will meet with many doctors and nurses, visit a whole shit-load of seizure-inducing machines, and most prominently: WAIT...WAIT....WAIT...AND WAIT SOME MORE.
None of the tests hurt at all. Other than the waiting period, it's painless.
Surgery Day
I had my tests done on Thursday, and they offered me a surgery appointment as soon as fucking Friday, the next day. I had work that day so I deferred to a Saturday appointment.
I went in at 2:15 P.M.
I waited around and got some orientation before being sent to a prep area. There they gave me an embarassing hairnet and matching shoe covers to limit the amount of bullshit entering the operating room.
After a fuckload of waiting and more micro-orientations, I was called into the operating room.
THIS NEXT SECTION CONTAINS SHIT THAT MAY CONVINCE YOU TO NEVER GET LASER EYE SURGERY EVER. IF YOU PLAN ON GETTING THE SURGERY DONT FUCKING READ IT; especially if you're a puss
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Upon entering the room I realized that the videos I've seen years ago are nothing like the procedures that they do now.
You begin by laying down on a generic doctors bed thinga-majig that is angled slightly down so that all the blood runs directly to your stupid fucking head.
Once they line you up with the laser that hovers directly over your head, tuck your balls in; because here it is: (by far) the worst part. There is an orange light that flickers rapidly (another fuck-you to kids with epilepsy) to direct your precise eye-contact.
Before that little flickering light is ready to fucking burn your shit up, your eye needs to be as still and controlled as possible. This is why they do this next demonic technique:
The surgeon basically needs to hold your eye still. Especially because humans are not capable of doing so.(to the right degree, that is). They place a "frame" to keep you eye from being able to move. This frame is basically a metal object that is pushed over your eye to pop the cornea out.
To achieve this, an ENORMOUS amount of pressure is required directly on EACH eye.
My best description of this stage of the surgery is like having your eyeball (twice, if you're having both eyes done) fucking squished to shit in a nutcracker. For me it got to the point where I really doubted that my left eye (my left eye was more painful than my right) was going to be usable in the future. There was such a maddening amount of pressure put on my eyes for each prep stage it felt like they were going to explode.
Pro-tip: They won't. Your eyes are incredibly sensititve. I had the slight fortune of wearing contacts for a few years which desensitizes your eyes to some degree. Despite my silent panic, I layed there motionless and quiet until it was over.
Each eye, including prep and the actual laser correction, takes only five minutes or so.
Interesting fact: The actual laser treatment sounds like a machine-gun. It is painless, but burns your eyes and they may smoke. The smoke smells like a cap gun has just been fired.
Post Op(eration) Procedures
After your procedure is finished, you're going to have a solid amount of underwater vision. Everything will be blurry. However, the number one priority after surgery is to keep your eyes closed. After surgery you will be required to stay at the office for at LEAST 30 minutes.
After 30 minutes (or more) you are allowed to leave. When you get home you are required to sleep (or lay down with your eyes closed if you cant sleep) for 3 to 5 hours.
When you wake up from that nap, you will begin your two week regimen of eye-drops. The eye drops include artficial tears, anti-inflammatory drops, and anti-biotic drops.
You will be supplied with most (you will be asked/forced to buy artificial tears) of the drops and a schedule that informs you of when to take them.
Location Information
Lasik Vision Institute
50 Burlington Mall Road
Burlington, MA 01803
http://www.lasikvisioninstitute.com/
1-877-274-1797
Call for free evaluation dipshits.
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