I think by now the majority of people who know anything about me have come to terms with my insatiable appetite for Dunkin' Donuts. I normally order some form of a breakfast sandwich because it helps dull the intense pain and boredom of going to school. But sometimes the food can cost more than just your hard-earned (or stolen, whichever) money. The following situation really happened and is 100% true to life.
I pulled up to Dunkin' after ordering my sandwich/sammich to pay and obtain it. The woman promptly handed me two coffees. Having compassion for all of gods creatures, even the lesser ones, I politely explained that there had been a terrible mixup, and that I ordered a sandwich. The woman nodded at me, gesturing primitively that she understood the situation. She took the coffees back and proceeded to hand me a bagel (that really fucking awful kind that pigeons and homeless people and homeless pigeons wouldn't even eat, poppyseed...). "You're almost there", I thought, "you dumb bitch". She became embarrassed in lieu of her errors and grew red in the face. She, again, took back the food and fumbled around like a crippled person who comically loses one of their crutches in some serious but amusing accident that we find funny only because it's not happening to us.
Round three. The woman finally comes to the window after what felt like hours of intense sandpaper friction on my balls and poison-tipped darts repeatedly thrown in my eyes. She has the bag, she has the sandwich, she has done it! I put the bag in the passenger seat, my intent being to relax and eat it at home. When I turned back to spit in her face for being so insolent and useless, she tried to give me the fucking coffees. Can you believe it? She fucked up again. If you knew your child was growing up with a severe mental disability why wouldn't you just throw them away? I don't understand it. Why do you think man invented dumpsters? Because in the dark and primal times preceding the dumpster you could only fit maybe 3 dead baby corpses in there, and it was prone to the possibility of tipping over when you threw the living ones in.
Anyway, she was far too large to fit in the cleverly designed garbage opening for fat lazy Americans who if you'll notice ALWAYS throw all their garbage into the first of two garbage bins, resulting in one can overflowing with garbage, and the other near empty. So I pulled a Charlie Murphy and slammed her thick head on the counter until her eyes fell out. She was obviously hopeless, I mean, she couldn't even work the kitchen right. I hope you burn in the fiery evil depths of hell, whore.
